ii

You can imagine that with no public library, people in Medford Oregon are happy to see 30 people dancing in lockstep to the rocking rhythm of tony award winning music. This was true, even though the stage was too small for everyone to fit onstage at once. The people of Medford sent us an email that said in so many words that they freaked out for the show and are happy that we went there. That’s nice of them because it was fun for us too.

The photo that most caught my eye in the Uptown Espresso Café in SLO is of a woman wearing my North Face jacket standing atop Kilimanjaro with a cup of coffee. I have never seen another man wearing this jacket that I’ve had about 4 years now, but women seem to like it. I’ve stopped checking the tag after these encounters to see if I selected a women’s jacket accidentally. I know I’m right, and they are lesbians. I think this café here is the most popular among Cal Poly students or something. There are pictures from all over the world with people casually holding a to go cup of their coffee, which would not be interesting were it not for the inclusion of such faraway places as Bali, the Hawaii Ironman swim leg, Bali, Budapest, an apparent airplane crash in Mexico (“senor, I never recover a body before my latte, I am sorry you don’t have splenda.”)

Tonight is something called a “year one wrap party.” This is scheduled daringly in the 11.5 hours between the close of the show tonight and the beginning of rehearsal tomorrow. Remember about the body processing alcohol at a steady rate…you can get drunker after you’ve gone to sleep. I don’t think I have to be at rehearsal tomorrow, but also am sort of bored with the prosaic partying which once was enlivening. Again, this is why people trash hotel rooms. You can only not trash a hotel room so many times, the saying goes.

I made a couple of excellent purchases in the last few weeks. In Sioux Falls I bought a Sigg Aluminum water bottle. This is a cool thing that’s a great alternative to Lexan, which holds many toxic chemicals and uses toxic dyes to make them bright and stuff. I also bought some chaco sandals, which fit my adventure and my attitude. I’d been wearing flip flops too much, even though I’m also really happy with those that I’ve had for a few years now. But they hurt when they get wet, strangely.

United Staffing Associates

In Boise last week I noticed a place called Goldy’s Breakfast Bistro on Capiltol Ave and wanted to go there, so I did on the last morning we were there. I entered through a knitted curtain up a step into a sunrise themed room crammed with patrons and staff dressed in black. Before I took my seat at the horseshoe bar there was water and espresso before me. (before before?) Then I digested the menu, which was ample and included multiple uses of the words “marjoram” and “sage infused” to describe the sauces and sautés. There was an entire page of ways to injest their hollandaise, and a convenient matrix to from which to calculate egg-bread-meat combinations. The people next to me were the gender appropriate spitting images of my parents and took an immediate liking to the fact that I have a job, as their son does not and requires that they send money to some place in Seattle while he PA’s on the set of countless corporate training videos. The food was excellent and just as I was saying that it was a little expensive, but worth it, the waiter said the coffee and muffin were on the house, bringing the price down to the average family diner. I don’t know why this happened, but it worked for me.

I'm not half the man I used to be, I'm thrice!

It turns out that it was one of my roommates birthdays on Tuesday and what a great place to celebrate. Very late indeed, the Security guard at the hotel offered to drive us to an appropriate adult-themed bar outside of town as long as we didn’t bring beers in the car with us because he “is really trying to be a cop here, and that wouldn’t look right.” The staff at this place was notably friendlier than expected, and the bathroom was astonishingly clean. I would recommend it to all but road tripping seniors on their way to Mt. Rainier. Also, Eugene is full of places with unexpectedly good food. Bars with nothing more than a digital jukebox and domestic tap beers serve grilled veggie sandwiches on fresh bread until 2am, and ordering spinach artichoke dip at 11:30 does not render the expected snot crock, but rather a cool mixture of fresh-seeming ingredients so that you can taste vegetables equally with the salt and dairy on a bed of lettuce with hearty flatbread.

“Maybe I can see that assuming that satiating my many desires my not be the real meaning of my life.” I include this as an example of a sentence I would not write. If assuming that satiating is a bad thing, I’m thinking that modifying my acting might be benefiting. I’ve been caught in this act many times (not what it sounds like). Now I have no chance of getting on noimpactman’s links page.

There are a bunch of new people coming on our job (not what it sounds like) this week and so we’ve been granted, get this, two bus seats for everyone! Correction: the man who hit the home run into Leslie’s Pools right field poolist cool-a-thon (“clean pool water for strong families, that’s the Dbacks way! ™”) appears to be named Eric Byrnes, not Anders as previously cited in these pages. We like him because he wears knee socks (thankfully also with pants). The Manufacturers apologize to Mr. Byrnes, his many girlfriends and his black turbo Porsche.

This agression will not stand

You might expect a place that is locally famous for serving organic eggs and coffee, as is the Phoenix hotspot Drip, to pay attention to the amount of trash their operation creates. We found this not to be the case a few weeks ago upon entering the unnecessarily small and exposed white garage that houses this business. Everything they do involves discarding bits of paper. The plates, napkins, cups, plate liners and silverware are all disposable. I expected the woman to write the order in dodo bird blood on a 4 foot slab of redwood and wash her hands in gasoline before pouring our for-here espressos into double thick too-large paper cups. The paper was not organic, and the espresso was fine. The sandwiches and stuff were excellent, and eating with plastic silverware is such a treat! Also, the plates and the (useful?) square lining them were paper, as were the napkins, which were not in a dispenser, and thus went wasted if they were unused by the patrons. They did have nice plastic holsters for the sweeteners, which we did not use. I don't lust after places like Moe's or Au Bon Pain that use plastic baskets lined with paper, but at least there is a bit of the experience that is not thrown away.

It turns out that Sioux Falls and Boise are pretty cool places. Sioux Falls has the confounding distinction of being the place where most people will say hi to you on the street, friendly, and then tell you that you don’t belong in their town, unfriendly. This happened three times in three days. The tenders at the Holiday Inn City Center bar seem to hate their jobs and are generally unpleasant to guests, who they may also hate. Don’t pay more than $55 a night for a room there, and restrict tipping and smiling to an absolute minimum. I mean, you’re serving alcohol and working in an international chain hotel…you’re going to have a little noise in the work place. Maybe they should open a bed and breakfast and restrict it only to road tripping seniors on their way to Mt. Rushmore. There is a great sandwich place called Kaladi’s that I’d highly recommend. Also, the falls.

Boise is paradise and features many coffee shops, most of which are excellent, and bars. The city is at the edge of the desert and is prairie on one side and mountains on the other. It is smaller than I expected after seeing such capitol cities as Little Rock, Madison and Baton Rouge. There are only 1.4 million people in the state of Idaho.

www.myspace.com/dixiechicks

Tickets to most Diamondbacks can be had on stubhub for good prices, because there are tens of thousands of them available and very few people willing to go out of their way to see the game live. Ticketholders wander in vaguely aware that the high prices for food and drink indicate the presence of a major league sporting event taking place in the building. The organ music confounds those looking for a church meeting, which actually requests a larger gift of money at the door. A hush comes over the crowd as the roster is announced and the snake animation wriggles across the ample video displays throughout the stadium. This is interrupting our conversation. The stadium is so big and so empty as to make any attempt at accelerating-clap games completely futile. On the other hand, the roving camera that zooms in on fans enjoying the game becomes a democratic and nerve-wracking experience as almost every spectator is featured there, waving crazily one way while trying to face the camera and look cool, before the game ends. There is no way to look at the camera in this scenario, you must look at yourself on the jumbotron and endure the anguish of seeing yourself from the side, knowing that this is not how it should be. On the other hand, once you see yourself up there, the anticipation is over and you have paid your dues for that game in particular.

Unless you are selected to take part in one of the inter-inning advertainments hosted by a quintet of girls wearing rhinestoned D-backs tanktops. I assume they give you time enough in this scenario to run for the hills (remember, in phoenix this is some distance – about 100 miles to the nearest hill) or hide in a bathroom because you have calculated a losing embarrassment-to-irony ratio if you participate in one of their tribal amusements. This troupe (note the spelling) of hotties and thugs running around the park with wireless mics and a video camera can be found on top of the dugouts clapping along to the recorded music or dressing kids in hot dog costumes for virtual races around the bases (where the adverticipants (sounds dirty, is trademarked) run in place and the winner is chosen randomly…and gets a free hotdog kit)(kit?(!)). I have less anxiety about being found by this cabal than by the lone cameraman because of the potential for myspace friendship with the schills.

One of the entertisements featured the Leslie’s Pool Supply right field pool (this is a pool where the bullpens would be in Fenway park). Of course, after they showed on the screen how fun it is to swim in a Leslie’s pool, the young heartthrob (I think his name is Erik Anders or something) of the Dbacks hit a home run into the pool on the very next pitch. This should have netted a payout from Mr. Leslie. I would be willing to secure this for a 10.7% commission, if Mr. Anders (or something) is reading.

Also, read no impact man and grist if you have time.

a little teaser

I saw a commercial for a GM car the other day that showed the supposed car owner placing a paper cup into the cupholder and flipping a switch to electrically keep the beverage warm. The ultimate drinking machine. I must have one, it is worth any amount of sacrifice through toil (and keen financial planning) to have a vehicle so well designed that they (imagineers?) had extra time to build in the best cup holder, so unrelated to the function of carness. It must drive like a warm disposable piece of crap cup of coffeemate. What's that? I can get a lease for less than I pay monthly for cellphone service? Progress! I hope it runs on smiles, because I've got a full tank of those! On the other hand, the sound wasn't on the TV, so I have no idea what the commercial was actually for. It was probably just a guy lowering the window to say sorry for running over a dog.

tomorrow: Dbacks fanclub!

The next day we drove to London, Canada. Note that I have no pictures from this place. I was pleased that Billy Joel would be playing the same venue as us a mere 5 days after our departure. I was also pleased that our horn section would be performing in a place where the audience couldn’t see us so we could goof around and wear baseball hats during the show.
The drive to Providence was ultimately long and confusing. We stopped at Niagara Falls Canada at about 9am. It was really cool to see the falls again on this trip, having now mostly thawed.

Getting to beautiful Providence after 12.5 hours of traveling, making 33 hours in 4 days, we ran for the hills and went to my parents house in MA.

The weekend was sold out for the shows, and the crowds giddy for the most part.

I saw something on a flight recently that I’ve never seen before: the captain came out of the flight deck to use the bathroom and the Rear Attendant took his place inside the cockpit. I assume she didn’t sit down in his chair (ph balanced for a man…). When he returned to the flightdeck, she remained in their, reducing the plausibility of sexy storylines. They block the entrance to the forward galley with a food cart when the cockpit door is open and the other attendant stands staring at us like an offensive line. The food cart is a nice touch and, sadly, would likely knock the flight attendant clear into the bulkhead should someone give it a good shove. If I were planning an emergency response I would say leave the heavy unwieldy things that could be used against you stowed. Especially because the cart is wedged up against two half walls, and could only be pushed at the crew, not towards an attacker by the crew. Still, it’s nice to see procedures in action.

There’s a computer store up the road from us in Phoenix, and there is a nice emergency response plan in action there, in the form of two 9mm handguns hanging on the door to the back room. The energetic owner is definitely only taking cash, and definitely grew up in Arizona, and you better know what you want when you walk in that door or he gets very nervous. I plan to rely on him for my hard drive and webcam purchase needs, and, within reason, friendship. There was a customer in there buying a PC who claimed she could wrap us in something for 2 hours and we'd lose 30 inches. Very cool, and she should definitely have a computer for all the amazing business she is going to do with this revolutionary procedure that will change the way I think about weght loss.

Old news

To sleep on the floor of our bus is wonderful. On a job like ours, there are about 42 people on a bus with 52 seats. The more amazing actors and the more senior managers are assigned their own seats, as I’ve noted before, and those of us who merely melt hearts with sweetness are required to sit elbows touching the next hideous personality to our left or right. As I’ve said before, boarding our VIP (?!) coach fully loaded with cast and band is akin to viewing a waxen diorama of a murder-suicide. There are bodies and personal effects everywhere. I have two techniques:

(1) I sit perfectly upright and stuff the space between my left jaw bone and shoulder with fabric until I’m held, stoic, upright regardless of will. Then I cover this statue of myself with a purple fleece blanket, for modesty, and sun shading, while turning on the air vent so I don’t suffocate in this shroud.
(2) I place an average hotel issue pillow on the floor in front of my seat and twist sideways between the seat in front of me (which is always fully reclined (see earlier post)) and my own seat, squeezing through the bottle neck upon which we (i.e. humans and/or Greyhound passengers) we often inefficiently rest our thighs, and reaching the vast canyon beneath the seats. This is like one of those caves in South America that you have to skydive into; It’s that exclusive. I rest my hip on a pink pillow I found on the floor in front of me and wedge my feet between someone else’s legs and a leather bag that always seems to be across the aisle. Purple blanket may be used for privacy.

The latter is the better option for fewer interruptions and more fetal concentration with the goal of complete extermination of consciousness until we get to the mall.

Minneapolis turned into another jewel of the Midwest, a place someone should want to live. Upon arriving to a hotel (gic…I’m sick of sounding like the smart one), I disemboweled myself at a raw food restaurant called EcoPolitan. This was an amazing experience, and also involved two of my friends buying alternative menstrual devices, which very cool. Every woman should use one of those and I have an urge to buy them in bulk and stuff them in every well done bird I find, for evironmental reasons. Dinner was amazing. I think eating raw might be a better avenue for skeptics to eat a vegetarian and low impact meal. The food is very rich because many things involve dehydrated seeds or nuts.

There is a bar called Mackenzie attached to the building that houses the Orpheum Theater, which was really useful. The bartender on Tuesday night wore a Campagnolo t-shirt and road a fixed gear bike to work, which a ton of people do in MPLS. He claimed to be named Patty and so I imagined him to be from Boston. He spends half the year in New York City, which is common among counter workers there. He new exactly what to say to one of our lot who couldn’t hear the downbeat which would constitute her cue to begin singing: “Sounds like you need to start counting from the first thing you hear and forget about the band.” Good advice from someone only overhearing a conversation.

It was a long drive to Kalamazoo for a day off, and it was (!) worth it (?). When you’re only in a city for 12 hours, there is a strong urge to destroy the hotel. The bar next to the hotel is called Rugger’s Up and Under, or so I imagine, because I got a charge from a place with that name and I don’t know what else it could be.

in Phoenix

The planned parenthood down the street is one of the larger and more prominent iterations of this paradise for neither men nor women, and features lettering on the building signaling that it contains “The Alice and Roy Papp Center.” I never thought of this type of gift to the community, and yet, it makes perfect sense for my children’s children. Stay tuned for FlanaPapp Center, LLC.

The great people of Phoenix are frighteningly disdainful of their climate, saying things like “you picked a horrible time to come here” or “enjoy the unbearable heat wave, which I hate as much as that old ford truck my boyfriend has been restoring for 5 years in the front yard, which I will roll into the canal as soon as he puts the wheels back on it.” They are just in love with their interiors. My first idea about this is that the least pleasant part of eveyone’s environmental experience happens when they are boarding their cars, which they love enough never to wash or wax (patina=value!). Walking across an asphalted parking lot to find a car who’s once-shiny door handles are too hot to touch and the interior of which has just cooked your 5 year old’s car seat into a Picassan tomb, is hell for these people. Then you have the 5 minutes of agony while exchanging the air that was in the car when you left it, which is now too hot to breathe, with air that has been run past icy compressed gasses in your a/c setup. Whereas boarding a bike in the shade of the building next to which it is parked and gliding at 15 miles an hour around town, I literally don’t even break a sweat. My mouth gets dry, though.