The heartland ain't all that

We're sort of stuck somewhere between New York and Tokyo (the new bi-
coasts) and had an experience last night with a transgendered karaoke
host in a smelly prairie town where, literally, google does not return
search results for the only sandwich shop in town, which was closed
the whole time we were there anyway. I was told something about the
other side of town or something, but have no idea what that could have
meant. The towels were unrealistically hard to the touch, additionally.