Flanabrand Global Manufacturing

30 rock

2009-01-15T11:58:00.001-08:00

Watching the recent episode of 30 rock I was reminded of high school plays. With almost no budget and no need for believability, we just recited plays and made some little entertainment for the town. The sets just took up space on the stage and the lights pretty much made sure the scene wasn't dark. If the performance wasn't sublime -- which it was -- at least there were 30 pairs of identical yellow Keds to occupy our parents and friends watching us squeak through The Visit. I was reminded of this play in particular when 30 Rock took on the weighty -- ahem -- subject of golden shoes last week. As a show that is produced and performed by adults who presumably make a full time wage from it, and one that is furthermore presented in HD where available, I was happy to see that painting shoes gold is enough to land a few jokes. A pantomime about something funny is still funny even if the technologies of the props and the transmission are a little mismatched. Using gold painted sneakers as golden shoes makes a bold statement too about the state of entertainment; all the attention being paid to how entertainment looks and sounds has little impact on whether it is entertaining. i.e. The Hills.

yeah...

2008-12-10T16:22:00.001-08:00

Please consider me for your contract advertised on craigslist. I can
travel easily and am an experienced lighting and photographing rooms
and events. I am a Photoshop and Aperture master, working very
efficiently and with deep understanding of both print and online
media. View my portrait and event work at http://www.flanabrand.com/folio

thanks for your consideration.

Recession busting doggystyle

2008-12-09T22:56:00.001-08:00

Hi,
I'm writing to apply for the Sales Position in your pet business. My
unique life experience and love for puppies and kittens are well
suited to working in a high end pet placement service. In addition to
the excellent sales skills I developed in the bicycling industry, I
have experience selling unique and expensive artworks to international
luxury cruise passengers. I have experience with upscale clientele in
several fields and have a bottom line orientation and a sense of
service that connects exceedingly well with New York's prestigious
elite.

As you can see from my resumé, I have spent the past 4 years as a
professional saxophonist. I have been fortunate to play in world-
class ensembles, with which I traveled to more than 10 different
countries and saw some of the planet's most awe-inspiring natural
beauty. This has allowed me to interact with people of many nations
in professional situations, and develop humility and succinctness in
communication that is a huge asset to my work in high-end retailing.

I look forward to meeting the pets you have on offer, and to speaking
with you soon!

Cheers,
Michael Flanagan

TOTD: resume writing

2008-12-04T10:17:00.001-08:00

remember: your resume isn't saying what you've done; it's showing that you understand what can be done!

Thanksgiving day

2008-11-23T10:24:00.001-08:00

>
> Hi all, we're thinking of having people over at 1:30 for a wicked
> time. We're going to make cookies, ToFurky brand loaf product,
> fresh cranberry chutney, and haricots verts with boucles des
> shallots. The theme is Rachel Ray's gay veggie friend. So it's all
> about degree of difficulty and fiber content.
>
> If some people could bring a sweet potato and I guess stuffing, and
> any meats that you care for, we'd be thrilled. I guess we'll be
> home most of the day so whenever you want to stop by it's good
>
> We have some tapes and a couple CDs but bring your own 45s if you
> want to show us your stuff. --mike

Aveda Institute Haircut

2008-11-14T10:06:00.001-08:00

For the amount of time I had to spend sitting in the overcrowded classroom, they should have paid ME $20. I had no idea how hard it is to cut hair until going to Aveda Institute. Do not go here for a haircut or coloring. The pack of Band-Aids sitting portentiously in the open drawer as I sat down, remembering the waiver I signed that said "I understand that I may incur injury at the Aveda Instittute and waive my right to sue in the event I am injured." The woman's unbelievable slowness -- which, as she jabbed herself with scissors and sliced her hands up, I came to thank for my own lack of bloodletting. They are slow and do a bad job cutting and coloring hair in our opinion, and it's not that cheap. How many times could she spray me with water, or how many times could she comb-comb-clip some spot of hair on my head? Does she know that the strange knife she's using on my kneck is really hurting? did they tell her to use this bread-knife of a thing on a man's KNECK? I remembered a female friend being stuck there for 4 hours one day getting a color job. The teacher who comes over and checks on the kids moves with efficiency and confidence around your head and makes you envy your former self: he who went to some other place to get his hair cut by a normal person whose job it is to cut hair. Do not waste your time at this place, it's a complete racket they are running. To collect money for this ridiculously unprofessional service is perhaps the worst deal I've ever encountered. You can go to a local salon who's training a new person and pay $5-$10 for a trainee haircut by someone with a license and insurance. Boys: let your hair grow an extra week and go pay someone else $30 for a haircut if you must, but you will be seriously bored and confused -- and possibly frightened -- by this sham

Free Coffee policy, an interlude brought to you by MDunemployment.com

2008-11-05T12:05:00.001-08:00

Free coffee at Starbucks? Just what we need!
caffeine and voters, electorate on speed.

Come in for a coffee, say "I voted, barista girl"
Tall cup in your hand, cream, sugar and swirl.

It's good for the country, to give out a cuppa?
While fair on the surface, a free pick me upper,

I'd say that it's biased, it's really unfair;
"Candidate supported?" Starbucks seems to care

McCain lovin' people, free handouts helps greatly:
Their pockets are empty; they're unemployed lately.

The rest of us, though, the coffee helps less so
We eat arugula, and Obamans drink espresso.

--flanabrandbooks.com

Capitulation and Punishment

2008-10-31T09:40:00.001-07:00

Plain thinks the first ammendment should allow her to speak freely without being characterized. She wants capitulation from the media not recapitulation. The point she misses is the media are private and separate from the state; they are not throwing her in jail. Or even handcuffing her to the bed...she is kind of asking for that. She really has no clue. I'm scared for 2012 and 2016 when she will have whispered this shit onto our screens for years.

http://blogs.abcnews.com/politicalradar/2008/10/palin-fears-med.html

The Associated Press: GOP spent $150,000 in donations on Palin's look

2008-10-22T14:19:00.001-07:00

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5gN2UuEbyF64GtuHQfJzWDqDg7PqgD93VP3RG0

Dude, this is the woman

2008-10-03T11:48:00.001-07:00

Check out the woman who's pissed she was passed over for SNL last week. So charming.

Sarah Plain and hot

2008-10-02T18:35:00.000-07:00

This woman sounds dumb because she appends some academic sounding -- which, of course it doesn't -- to a sentence. i.e."I think what the Senator is saying about this particular drilling, issue, is that it is wrong and that is not true, which can be demonstrated espousally due to this." "Both Afghanistan and Pakistan are extremely dangerous, of course, with no effortless so ideologically and we can support this." "what do you expect, a team of mavericks, we're not going to agree on everything, of course anwr, and that's something I'm going to keep pushing him on and we'll keep on talking and maverick workers." This is a bad speaker, definitely combined with looks withstanding this regard, I, seeing both sides. She can straddle (!?) the Nukular-Nuclear line which is cool. "That's where John McCain has already tapped me, and I'm ready to go there, right back at ya." GGGVP "We will do, in that position, whatever is best for the American people, in that position. We have a lot of flexibility in that position."

McCain wants to be popular so bad. Palin fucking crashed on his couch for the weekend to study? Cindy was cool with that? Dude, your grandma is so cool.

Let's get a look at the McCain's accounts for 9/24-9/27, was the campaign really suspended? The ads were running, the spokespeople were speaking, and actually, so was he except when he was sucking his thumb in the corner while his party beat the shit out of him with nay votes. I have so much time on my hands, but you know my a blogger's reward is in heaven.

I have a 700 billion dollar package

2008-09-30T08:47:00.000-07:00

And it's not bi-party curious. It does however get them all to say yea!

Can't play, got homework

2008-09-25T07:46:00.000-07:00

The un-people who have populated our town this week were split on whether to go to the movies or to David Blaine last night. The lure of Raschel Raschel: a young girl's erotic journey from Milan to Minsk not withstanding, most wound up hanging out by the rink in central park to watch the Dive of Death. We were not among them, but as has been widely reported on the blogs, we did make an appearance earlier this week. There was dangling and crowds.

David Blaine is great because all his stunts, at least now, have a focus on bringing the people together while -- many rungs up the ladder -- selling household cleaning products and japanese cars. The crowd at his Dive arena was the nicest group of people you could ever run in to. And the security guys were also really nice. The focus of the event was bringing people closer to David; creating a temporary community founded in storytelling and mystery. It was like sitting on upside-down Santa's lap.

If we don't know anything about privatizing gains and socializing losses, we will in the next few days.

Delaying the presidential debate on Friday would be yet another nail in the coffin for free information exchange and public accountability of our government. Though things are collapsing, isn't the point of government to be able to do more than one thing at a time?

Perhaps our elected officials should spend more time in their offices. Ditching election events on which rests the future of our public government for three days of signing a blank check for business constitutes a David Blaine like spectacle meant for network TV, and the media is playing right into it. Why not tilt heads and realize that the sideshow has become the circus, that campaigning and giving speeches is what these people are best at. That they don't run the country ever, that the businesses who are failing us run the country. The main event, writing laws and protecting our country has become a sideshow to the Senators, on which they clearly have not been focused. Why else is it necessary to drop everything just to author one economic package? My eyebrows are raised. What of the last 18 months during which these people have undoubtedly voted less and authored next to nothing?

The problems implied by suspending a campaign to do "real" work would be enough, if that's what McCain was doing. He was in NYC this morning speaking at the WJClinton foundation. He was on CBS news last night. And he can't show up Friday for an event on the books for months.

Fuck the Yankees

2008-08-17T10:03:00.001-07:00

Don't allow water bottles in Yankee stadium.

interesting

2008-08-07T20:21:00.000-07:00

Welcome back, now look at these two links.

This is a google.com search for the word tiananmen

This is a google.cn search for the word tiananmen (chinese google)

Now I know, from having messed around in the PRC for a fortnight or so, that you can access either site from the mainland, so this oppression will not stand, man. For extra fun, try browsing through the images that come up on the Cheap-Ass Chinese search and enjoy lots of blocked images and stuff.

U.S. Military Says Soldiers Fired on Civilians - NYTimes.com

2008-07-27T21:30:00.001-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/28/world/middleeast/28iraq.html?_r=1&hp&oref=login

those

2008-07-24T08:29:00.000-07:00

The government wouldn't let us do our show tonight for reasons that
were unclear. It was also unclear how they didn't let us do the show,
because for all the shouts and chaos at the venue, I didn't see anyone
wearing a uniform doing anything. Someone just didn't want it to
happen, and someone else listened. Someone who was not the government
also wouldn't turn on the air conditioning in the venue, though I
think Americans bluffed poorly early in that discussion, and were
scared of disturbing the non-existent harmony we were told to expect here. I'd love to here the translator repeating the English "no, sure, that's cool, whatever, we're fine, no problem, yeah, no, it's not that hot, in celsius, the crew had to deal with it all day so yeah, fine if that just continues, never disrupt, change is backwards" in Chinese. We have excellent scowling face and have used very often with this population and would have used it with bonus many crossed fingers and complicated head tilts to get this conditioning achievement. Then again, we did only work about half of what we expected today, and heat was less than double expected, so we are aromatically ahead in this regard.

Taxi drivers have no fucking clue where they are at any given
time, or where they are going. They don't always care where you want
to go either, but the fares are so cheap we don't mind taking one ride
to nowhere, to catch another cab to your final destination, like an
airline. Showing a cab driver a map is useless, they sometimes motion
to their eyes like they can't see, so there's that problem too. You
will never get exactly where you are going, unless it is the Hard Rock
Cafe and then there are only about 33% of the cab drivers who will
take you there. The recent earthquake is likely to be put on the list
of unmentionables very soon, as the stories in the American press are
quite believable based on our slice of this pie, and it makes our
government look downright chatty in comparison.

Also, we are overstaying our VISAs by a day or so and they're cool with that, we were told sort of. I guess it's cool. We had a nice time at the old wall thingy the other day, and paid a
cab driver $20 to wait three hours in the ridiculous heat so we could
march around on top of it. The toboggan thingy was cool too, I think
they added that recently or something. Definitely during the Phun-
Azshit Dynasty or something.

Going

2008-07-18T23:27:00.000-07:00

Where are we going? "chang something or ching something" came the
reply. Not inspiring words when trying to find a specific shop in
shanghai. In fact, we were never going to find this place. The girls
at Starbucks change their English names daily, with a refrain of Chin
and Chang between names like Winter, Coke, Double, and the respectable
Mabel and Nigel. The attendants at the Hotel, entrusted with
collecting our laundry and delivering fresh clothes do not understand
the English words Today Tomorrow Yesterday Toilet Paper and Laundry.

UPDATE: moments after deadline for the above we were served a coffee by a young lady named Papa.

Them

2008-07-16T05:35:00.000-07:00

There are a few beggars in our neighborhood who are suffering or have
suffered unfortunate events. Our favorite is Mat-Boy. He appears to be
about 15 years old and might be 5'5" or so if his legs weren't twisted
into a wacky lotus behind his back. He slides around the street on
crushed soda bottles to ease his passage from curb to curb, and to
protect the rubber mat that holds him together and from which is name
derives. Otherwise Mat Boy is in good spirits and health, finding time
to learn some English and pose for creepy photos. His feet came untied
the other day and sprung foreward, but he figured it out.

Monk Manchu is across the street and prays constantly. He is the only
one I've seen make any money, and he is old.

Thumb Woman is very pushy. She uses her right arm - which elegantly
curls out in front of her into what looks like a foot with one long
toe - to push. Her cup goes in her left hand.

Skateboard Man and his cousin Prone Paul are a bit up the road but
I've seen them meet with Sleeping Baby and Peggy Li to brainstorm.
It's quite terrifying. The meeting usually takes place late at night
on the intersection next to the hotel, which is terribly lit at night
and very busy during the day. There is almost no one around as these
three jingle there cups together and laze back and forth in the gutter
talking. There is a window right behind them that has piercing blue
light and trays of boiled sea creatures on the sill, always.

Come on, Scents

2008-07-09T17:09:00.000-07:00

Things smell so strongly here as to induce a constant state of nausea.
Construction sites have a VOC radius of about 100m in which their
particular brand of adhesive muscles out all the other shit and mold
smells in the neighborhood. There is, not surprisingly, a strong smell
of Chinese food in many areas.

Our show is suffering a bit from a lack of translators and a strong
tendency to catch fire or fall apart things that are, according to
custom, cohesive or not aflame.

There is also the matter of some beverage cans having pull tabs that
completely separate from the can when you open them. This is something
most of our lot has never seen before, as we mostly have aged fewer
than 30 years.

Another thing I forgot until I read it on the back of a bunch if Lay's
potato chip bags: there is MSG in everything. This may explain my
really dry mouth and the new headache that's hanging around.

Popular brands of clothing with sexual/medical translations
unfortunately include the following: "F" Another, Leftone, Lovely My
Scat, Newtiful.

2008-07-07T21:27:00.000-07:00

Today we walked about 50 miles through the hot city to a pile of
buildings built to look old. The garden there is actually old, and is
very nice. I met a young student there who was eager to practice
english, like most of the cheap scammers here are, but was not eager
to sell me anything. So I let him tell me some things about the jade
and the caligraphy and he was very nice, even taking his leave of me
before I had exhausted my questions. His con was to leave me lonely,
a crime of omission indeed. He asked to shake my hand and I said no,
you are dirty and a freak from the street. Just kidding; I shook his
hand heartily and I have a good feeling this story will be told to his
class as sort of an extra credit moment. Like we taking part in a tea
ceremony, shaking hands is a foreign and cute ritual to Chinese People.

They refer to themselves as Chinese People, and their ancestry is Old
Chinese People. Of course this is said in the funny accent you know
from the pointy hats and long gray beard cartoons. Bamboo stands for
strength and ingenuity and also, probably more recently, the corporate
ladder.

There is something called the Bund Sightseeing Tunnel here in Shanghai
and it is cute. It's a cable car under the river to the sleepy hollow
of Pudong that has been dressed up with rope lights and the balloon
men from used car lots. As you ride through a voice says, in English,
"Hot Magma" "Salt in Blue Water" "Meteor Shower" as you are
transported in the thinnest of You pay about $6 to ride this, which
means that it is mostly rich people buying tickets in the cave that
serves as the ticket office under the roadway. Even the rich don't
stand in line, they push fiercely and come in waves from the sides to
cut in front and get their tickets to this middle school play of an
attraction. We four have concieved of the arc: stand shoulder to
shoulder with arms crossed in an arc radial to the destination, like
calvary. Then the arc can push forward through the mess and achieve
the goal.

Shanghai

2008-07-04T13:36:00.000-07:00

Cars: saw some Porsche Cayenne and 7 series BMW. When the walk signals
are lit, the cars and vespas go because red lights afford more space.
It's easier to cross intersections when the traffic lights are green.
Coca Cola and Starbucks have taken different approaches to offering
their products in China. Coke is about $.50 per 600ml and starbucks
espresso is about $3.00 per 3oz.

When you plug something in to walls here, you know, electrons and
shit, it catches fire or shocks you. Wonder how this place is still
standing. Remember, a glue gun draws more power than a Macbook Pro,
and wonder what I was doing with a glue gun.

There is a place called ecoffee.com that has terrible coffee for
$1.20, a fabulous find.

I've ordered two things at restaurants, Yoshinoya and We Make The Best
Noodles, that had to be freshly prepared and thus I am confident that
they contained little or no meat. No Chinese in his right mind would
not eat meat with noodles. But I would.

I gave our local pit rat (the only kind of rat you don't eat here) a
Clif Bar because he was so excited to see my baritone come out of the
case he ran over with thumbs raised, as I dumped 30 bars I had carried
over inside the bell. He said it would give him power, which I don't
disagree with.

The Empire Strikes in the Back

2008-07-02T04:59:00.001-07:00

By the time we discovered that all the luggage didn't fit in the two
buses someone provided for us at some airport in China we were pretty
tired. A few hours later, wanting to explore the improbably neonic
pedestrian mall a block from our hotel, we were surprised that it
becomes an a la carte brothel and weirdo festival at 11pm, like HBO
monday nights. And they shut the neon off.

Spending two hours in Korea may be enough as they have conveniently
condensed the authentic experience of the country into a 20 minute
arts and crafts project you can complete at the airport, in a booth
marked "Authentic Korean Cultural Experience." So that's easy
enough. There's a Carribou Coffee there, which anyone will tell you
is excellent (though most will do this without having been there).

When you actually travel to Asia, your body stops eliminating waste
for a few days, which is uncomfortable but makes the flights that much
easier; you can stay seated for 14 hours and make no mess in your
pants. The flight attendants on Korean Airlines are a sight to behold
and are a true contrast to the nasty bitches I've found employed by
the larger of our US carriers. In typical Asian fashion they are
modest beyond reason and show no emotion when wrenching your seat into
full upright position so the person behind you can devour their
bibimbap with head thrust into bowl as would a spaniel.

Check flickr for our unduly descriptive photos of this wonderful place.

The Fageant

2008-06-18T11:19:00.001-07:00

We're sitting a block from city hall in San Francisco. Yes, that city hall that has been tagged in more photos online than your drunk girlfriend on Facebook this week. Next to me at Peet's is a foursome who have recently gone two by two up the steps and back, the men in shorts and the women in pants. They seem very happy, and old enough to still have earrings in the right lobe only. Yesterday were many of these in dresses and pants sitting homosexually in restaurants on these blocks celebrating. A photography company actually set up on the handicap ramp in at city hall with a laptop and a camera to snap photos and email to the unified.

This place

2008-06-14T12:47:00.000-07:00

In San Francisco there are plenty of places not to go The bumper
sticker on this limo lounger says enough for the one side and the
amazingly diverse scribblings on the cardboard "spare change" signage
in the panhandle industry says some for the other. There may indeed be
a Magic The Gathering-esque secondary market for such equipment.
Craigslist postings in the used professional equipment section for
"11"x17" blue on light brown with some tears, folds neatly, Spanish
translation available: helpless and hungry god bless.